That baby your biological clock needs

Ever wondered why all the perfect men and all the perfect women are taken?

It’s very simple. It is because we are constantly looking for another human being to complete us. If we are inadequate, nobody wants us and nobody questions why we are on our own. Moreover, because we are needy, it’s almost like we repel people of the opposite sex without even opening our mouths.

As soon as we become semi adequate, we soon begin to attract people again and then we start telling ourselves we need to let someone in, else we’ll end up in solitude, with not one bit of love, because we rejected someone who could have been OK. Thus, we begin to tell ourselves how everyone is flawed and how we’re sooner or later going to have to accept the fact that someone will have to do, before we become too wrinkled to be loved.

Now the most fascinating thing is that I have a bunch of friends in their late thirties, both men and women, who are starting to become a little bit concerned that divorced individuals with baggage – often legged baggage – is all they can find. I wish they would just get together. But no, the law of attraction says you want the least feasible option, though deep down you criticise it. Do my friends think that there should be someone else out there who has been saving themselves for the love of their lives for about twenty years of their existence? Do you think the same?

Let me be the bearer of bad news: they were as desperate as you. So they made a few editions of themselves and then realized there was more to life than sticking to one person you thought was adequate but did not quite love. Either forgive them and accept them, their history and their baggage or don’t. Either way, complaining is never good. Love is what you are aiming for. If you haven’t found it, regardless of luggage size, keep looking.

For the love of you, take a second to think about this: Is finding a sexual soulmate the sole purpose in one’s life? I hear you say “Hell no”, and I also still see you picturing little editions of you growing into the future. Forget about it. Love yourself. Because the sooner you do that, the sooner you will fix this problem of all the perfect men and women being taken and the sooner you will find your true soulmate – not necessarily someone who you would consider to have good genes, so your children can survive natural selection, which by the way means anything but survival of the fittest.

When I say perfect, I mean ready for a relationship. Just because you are ready for a relationship, it does not mean you should be in one. Have you never experienced that feeling of knowing that THAT one friend of yours would have been a perfect lover? But you were taken when you met… Or they were taken… Then you both broke up with the people you were with but you never wanted to make it official that you felt something for your friend… Or maybe the timing was bad because by the time you were both free, new people had appeared in the picture…

YES! There are millions of people in the world, why get caught up with what could have been with that one friend? The only problem is that you are narrowing your choices down massively. I say this, because I have made that mistake myself. I have never given myself enough time to develop my own identity. I have always rushed to find a new boyfriend immediately, taken up some odd hobby and started listening to a completely different genre of music, then ended up resenting the guys and being traumatised by the genre of music.

Have you ever met that kind of couple who admit they met on Tinder, only wanted sex and ended up falling for each other, getting married and all the rest of it? That is because they were being honest, they were preserving their integrity and saying “Hey, I don’t want to give you all of me just yet”. If someone does not want to give you all of them, it means that what they have is pretty damn valuable and you need to earn it.

If you feel that you are on a completely different level and you cannot live up to that expectation, perhaps don’t even try. You can learn things from people without visualizing marriage, a mortgage, children, family cars and golden retrievers. If someone sleeps with you, then leaves, pat yourself on the back. Someone finds you attractive enough to put themselves in those coordinates, but respects you enough to not want to change you. Don’t try to change them.

Wanting eternal commitment is something that affects lots of different things. It makes women particularly possessive, because they feel disturbed by the thought of their man’s sperm going to be seeded elsewhere, it makes them bitter and defensive about lots of things as a default state. Many a time, I have cracked jokes with women that men would never react to the way they did. This is not for any odd reason.

If you are thinking of having children, of course I don’t have to tell you how many would be saved by adoption and that you would be a perfect parent without a figure of the opposite sex to help you. People should be shifting towards this conscious state, which is to care for another human being regardless of whether they will carry your legacy into the future. Attempting to make your blood circulate into future generations is over rated. LOVE, on the other hand, isn’t. And you might find that people give a lot of it for many selfless reasons.

If you think you are incapable of bringing up a child on your own, perhaps you should not do it. My mother always used to tell me that you should only risk getting pregant if you know you can deal with being a mother. She was divorced by the time I was six. My father has always been close and helped when needed, but my mother could have done the job well on her own. Of course, it could happen by accident and that is a completely different story, but if having a child is your burning desire, I believe you should assess your life first.

Regardless of whether it takes two to tango, women do in fact have most of the power to make this decision. I say this because I tend to see women feeling more tormented about the fear of never having babies, but this is not a sexist post at all. However, if you are one of these women, you could visit a sperm bank or if you have an intimate relationship with someone you would like to have a child with, who says you need to be in an exclusive relationship that will last forever? With a good network of family and friends or even temporary lovers who might want to experience parenthood for a short time, you can do it, baby! It is better to be happy single than be in a forceful relationship. Expand your mind.

If you haven’t found a soulmate – and lucky are those who have, to whom this does not apply – you can still be an adequate person. I don’t think I have found a soulmate, but I think I am a pretty special person, I work very hard, I give a lot of love in what I do, I am independent and I love myself. If I don’t find a soulmate by the end of my optimal breeding period, I’d like to think I can raise a child, whether that will be an adopted refugee, a donor sperm baby or a lover’s child. However, that doesn’t mean I have to raise my child with someone whose principles don’t match mine. It is not healthy to be in a relationship that makes me feel dissatisfied, repressed, underconfident, distrusting, anxious and so on.

Be wise with the choices you make. Be with someone who is kind to you. There will be someone in the world who will not only listen to you, but they will hear you. Don’t let your biological clock push you into an alleyway, don’t let the fear of not being loved do that to you either. Work hard to give yourself the things you want. Stop trying so hard if you can, save money by not doing or owning too many things. Impress yourself with the ability to occasionally compromise so bigger things can come of it. Look after your body, eat well, exercise and do things that make you smile and laugh a lot. And I can assure you: you will find that person. If that person is reading this, they will also be nurturing their authentic self, so that when you meet, love is all there will be.